We cannot cling to the old days.

October 16th, 2011 | by: gadsby | Comments Off

The year is 2018, Italy is a nation in chaos, shaken to it’s foundations by the leaking of documents proving that for the past twelve years Leonardo Araujo has been single-handedly running the FIGC. The national team, under the stewardship of the controversial yet well-liked coach Massimiliano Allegri, has embarked in a state of disorder to Russia, as a result of their dramatic securation of qualification for the World Cup on a windy december night in Zagreb, courtesy of a late goal scored by Azzurri icon Alberto Paloschi. The team is heavily unfavored by the bookmakers, due to the effects of the scandal, placement in a difficult group, an injury crisis which results in Francesco Totti being called up, and several recent reverses suffered. Things look darker than ever for our brave men in blue…

The tournament starts uneventfully, with most group stage games being as expected. The Azzurri, placed in Group A, draw their first match against Russia, Filippo Boniperti’s opener being canceled out by a 30-yard screamer from the Russians. Allegri’s men were handed a lucky break, however, as group opponents France and Greece take a share of the points in a game considered by many neutrals to be the most boring ever played. Italy have a similar result in their next game against Greece, a land where much of allegedly “Italian” pasta comes from, so they should be able to get at least some motivation. As a result of this, FIGC chairman Maurizio Zamparini fires Allegri, claiming he is “the worst coach I have ever had”. Stefano Pioli is brought in as a replacement for what the press claim is Italy’s last game in Russia.

Going into the final group game against France the pressure was on Italy and Pioli more than most. His coaching decisions were mocked in the press, such as the adoption of a 3-5-2 formation and the inclusion of Antonio Cassano as physio. Yet nonetheless, under his stewardship, Italy managed to grind out a tough 1-0 win against France, knocking Les Bleus out of the group stage for the 3rd consecutive world cup, provoking riots on the streets of Paris, which, thankfully, dissipated as soon as John Barnes stepped in.

Italy faced a difficult challenge in the round of 16, playing against Brazil, who had been toppling opponents with champagne football despite the considerable disadvantages that coach Serse Cosmi had inflicted upon them by choosing to play with 10 men and Alexandre Pato. This match has gone down in history as one of the most controversial ever, particularly in Brazil, where it is suspected that Serse Cosmi may have conspired to throw the match. This is absolute nonsense of course, as Zamparini and Cosmi would never agree to throw the match, mostly because Zamparini would only offer 2 pieces of silver. In addition, this was the match where Italy finally clicked, delivering Brazil a 4-0 thrashing while scattering their total football across the pavement courtesy of a hat trick by Ezequiel Schelotto and a Pato own goal. Also, Ray Hudson was commentating.

The quarterfinal was, a match against the comparatively easy South Korea. Italy seemed to drop into second gear for this match, winning 2-0, with a spectacular overhead kick from Fabio Borini. The match is controversial in South Korea, whose coach, the legendary former South Korean international Byron Moreno writes a lengthy letter in Terzo verse to FIFA complaining about an Italian conspiracy against his team. FIFA is unfortunately on holidays in Pakistan that day for the sole purpose of buying obscure Junoon records, and when they get back their pet goat has eaten the letter.

Italy move on to the semifinal, where they are faced with defending champion Uruguay. Everything looks black for the Italian team, who are proud to have made it this far. Indeed, Italy go 2-0 down at half time, but coach Stefano Pioli rallies the team with a powerful rendition of Jens Lekman’s “I met her in the anti-war demonstration”. The team takes the pitch, visibly in tears, and plays it’s heart out, taking the game to extra time courtesy of an amazing two goals by Francesco Totti, who scores a third in late extra-time. He leaves the pitch to bouquets of flowers, his shirt soaked and his face covered in what he tells RAI is “sweat”. He also claims that “I had a bug in my eye. I wasn’t crying. Only girls cry.”

The cold Moscow suns dawns on the final day of the tournament, as Italy are to play Germany. This is the game of these players’ lives. Italy start the match well, going 1-0 up in the 23rd minute due to an astounding strike from Champions League winning veteran Giuseppe Mascara. This state of affairs persists until the 67th minute, when Italy are handed a boon by the dismissal of Emre Can. Italy’s bench are already celebrating when, in the 92nd minute, Thomas Muller pinches a goal off of a counterattack, levelling the score.

Though visibly shaken, Italy fought to the bitter end. Mario Gotze’s 105th minute goal was cancelled out by Alberto Paloschi’s 109th minute 40 yard belter, scored only a minute after coming on as a substitute. Alas for our boys in blue it was not to be, as Holger Badstuber headed in Andre Schurrle’s 120th minute corner. It was the end of Italy’s cup campaign, but the beginning of a new and glorious era in Italian football, which would culminate in a fifth star 12 years later, which Francesco Totti would also play a part in, being the coach. Though they did not win any silverware, it was a triumph of sorts for an unfancied nation being run entirely by Leonardo Araujo, a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that we’ll all be there to witness it.

Note; that picture right up there is of Lorenzo Insigne and Alberto Paloschi. They are older, and have physically matured, The shirt they are wearing is a replica of the shirt worn in 1994, because someone at Puma had been drinking one too many.

Gadsby has never tweeted about the 2018 World Cup campaign because if he did, people would think he was insane. Follow him nonetheless @FJGadsby