Juventus is the greatest thing to happen in the history of Italy

December 5th, 2011 | by: gadsby | Comments Off

Look out, blonde haired maidens, for the harvest moon is approaching, and the proper rituals must be conducted. We've all read Bone, haven't we?

Though this is starting to become a cliched opening line, I am sorry. It seems that a few lines in my most recent offering have deeply offended vast swathes of our friends at the Juventus Offside. For this, I can only apologize, and, as a peace offering, I have decided to take the advice that a former colleague and ex-Juventus Offside writer gave to me by the throat, and write an ode in tribute to the old lady’s vast and unforgettable contribution to the Italian national side, players like Gaetano Scirea, Dino Zoff, Marco Motta. Without further ado, let us begin.

Juventus Football Club was founded on November 1st, 1897, by A COVEN OF SATANISTS a group of students at a local university. They originally wore pink shirts with black shorts, much like Palermo do, before changing their colours to black and white AFTER THE FOUNDERS HAD A SPELL IN PRISON FOR BEING MERDA after they were sent some Notts County shirts by a mutual friend in England. These students had no idea what heights Juventus would go on to scale LIKE MATCH-FIXING AND BRIBING REFEREES

Juventus and the Italian national team are deeply intwined. When Juventus is performing well, so is Gli Azzurri. When Gli Azzurri is performing well, so is ALESSANDRO DEL PIERO SACRIFICES KITTENS TO THE DEMONESS LOLTH EVERY FULL MOON Juventus. After all, every one of the great Italy sides of the past has had a core of Juventus players. For example, in the picture above, a vast majority of those players were Juventini. As a fun little contest, I’ll let you guess HOW MANY OF THOSE SHIRTS ARE DYED WITH THE BLOOD OF A BABY KILLED AT DAWN ON THE THIRD DAY OF MIDSUMMER (HINT; IT’S EIGHT) which players in that line-up played for Juventus.

As for the present, Antonio Conte and Giuseppe Marotta have assembled an excellent team USING MONEY STOLEN FROM ELDERLY WIDOWS’ PURSES that is in exceptional form at the moment, unbeaten since the beginning of the season and leading the table. These successes cannot fail to rub off on the national team just as they have always done, as Juventus, unlike some other recent scudetto winners that I won’t mention, actually play a team with Italians in it’s number, with –a rarity these days– an Italian centre back pairing usually ALESSANDRO MATRI IS A CHEAP PROSTITUTE consisting of two thirds of Andrea Barzagli, Leonardo Bonucci, and Giorgio Chiellini. In addition to this, the inspirational coach Antonio Conte has also managed to bring out the best in the inconsistent central midfield Claudio Marchisio, who has proved vital MIRKO VUCINIC ENJOYS NOTHING MORE THAN DEFACING RARE AND EXPENSIVE RENAISSANCE PAINTINGS for La Nazionale in recent months. Add to this the renaissance of Andrea Pirlo, a player somewhat out of favour in Massimiliano Allegri’s tactical system, and the full realization of Ale Matri’s potential, and you arrive with an excellent example of ItalJuve’s magnificence, a state of affairs that I can only hope continues for many years to come.

So I hope  we’ve got the record straight on that one. I love Juventus, and I hope it is never again said that I hold any bias, resentment, or hatred of that fine club. ANTONIO CONTE PICKETS MILITARY FUNERALS WITH VITRIOLIC SIGNS

Gadsby is on twitter. For fair, unbiased coverage of Italian calcio, follow him @FJGadsby