Official Statement from the dictator of the Italy WCB concerning the group stage draw for the upcoming European Football Championships in Ukraine and Poland.

December 3rd, 2011 | by: gadsby | Comments Off

I can explain. This morning, I went to the official UEFA website to look at their stream for the draw, but my desire to view this tasteful spectacle was dashed against the flying rocks from James Cameron’s political science fiction blockbuster Avatar (That was an enjoyable figure of speech, regardless of relevance.), as some mental defective had hacked in and replaced the stream with a recording of the 2010 Eurovision song contest (won by Australia’s Lena Meyer-Landrut). While it was delightful to relive this beautiful springtime of my life, I am unfortunately unable to give a scathing and bitter review of whatever madness Michel “anti-Italian-conspiracy” Platini conjured up on this fair morning/evening for European viewers. So therefore, I must record my thoughts on how I expect Italy to perform in their upcoming adventure in the land of Ukraine and Poland. As ever, I apologize.

My first impressions of the group stage were that, as usually tends to happen, the anti-Italian conspiracy (probably conducted by a shady group of victims of flooding in southern Italy. Yes, Juventus supporters, despite my proclaimed neutrality, I am mocking you. Some things are just too ridiculous.) that is destroying Europe has sent us to hell, but then I tried to write this down and I realized that there wasn’t really anything I could use to justify this, and people would start asking Questions.

The draw was, in my opinion, wretched. While I know some of you like a challenge, I do not, preferring safety and A to the wilder excesses of Group C. Personally, though I think Italy have the quality to beat anyone in Europe, there is an exception to every rule, and the exception is Ireland and Croatia. Spain should be no problem for our boys in blue, who defeated a (weakened) Spain in Bari not long ago, while Ireland have an old friend in Trapatonni, who will no doubt know our weaknesses and discipline his charges appropriately. As for Croatia, we have shown a weakness against Balkan sides, who not only take a more professional outlook on this game than we do, but also have the advantage of surprise (and fear, fear and surprise, surprise and fear. We’ve all seen that sketch, haven’t we?). I could foresee one or two problems occurring against those jammy Croats, though I think in the end Prandelli will pull through, as is his habit.

As for how the group stage will unfold, I will give my prediction of the results, just because I and probably my team are feeling generous today. Our opener against Spain will result in a 2-2 draw with goals courtesy of Marchisio and Cassano cancelling out Xavi and David Villa’s fine long range efforts. The luck of our boys in blue will fare slightly better against Ireland, where an Alessandro Matri tap-in in the dying minutes will rescue all three points. Qualification will nervously be sealed against Croatia with a 1-1 draw. In the next round, Italy face runaway group D leaders Ukraine, who they nudge 2-0 in extra time with the goals going to Balotelli and Criscito. It is their last hurrah of the Euro, however, as they fall to a defeat by Denmark in the semifinal despite being 2-0 up at half time, with Christian Eriksen, the soon to be Liverpool midfielder who bears extraordinary resemblance to Georgy Zhukov in his playing style scoring two and assisting the third. It’s important I let you all down gently now, so the pain isn’t as great when June comes to call.